Professor of Bristolian

                                    Bristolians Save The Queen, Mind! 1. INT. MEETING ROOM AT BRISTOL UNIVERSITY. DAY Bristol University academics are holding a meeting and discussing the progress of their students. PROFESSOR SMITH (Chair): So Geoff, to the Department of Bristolian. How are you finding the new intake of students? PROFESSOR GEOFFREY MOUNTSTEVENS: Interesting. The students from the home counties are difficult. Many of them think they know it all already and of course they don't. Their attempts at pronunciation of the Bristolian language are often a strange mixture of Somerset, East Anglia and Hampshire. On the other other hand, the overseas students, especially the Chinese and Italians, are very enthusiastic and eager to learn. Yes, they too have difficulty with the Bristolian pronunciation b...

In Bristol a lot of outsiders, europeans and immigrants from elsewhere, have come to the city and integrated very well and are well-liked in their communities. Unfortunately, among the outsiders, and these are often people who have been settled in Bristol for some time, there exists a sub-species which I shall refer to as the arrogant twat. They are very condescending towards local people, convinced that it's the Bristolians who hold the city back and they think that all the creative, artistic and intellectual life of the city would not exist were it not for the likes of themselves. It was the psychotherapist Alfred Adler who coined the term 'superiority complex' and it appears to be a condition that many of these poor souls suffer from. Thankfully, there are relatively few of this type in the city but the Professor of Bristolian, being rather curious about such creatures, welcomed an opportunity to interview one of them. To protect his identity, and to avoid explosive and...

To tell thee the truth it ain't a good ideawl to go naked in Bristol too often, unless iss part of a event like that Bristol Naked Bike Ride wot they dooze to 'ighlight 'ow vulnerable they cyclists is. Well, thass fair enuff innit, mind. Or if thees wants a dine naked in Bristol , iss possible. Whatever floats thy boat, innit, mind. But if yoom finkin' of goin' naked juss for the crack , well, it ain't gonna get thee many friends in awl probabilitay. I mean, not everyone wants a see awl they dangly bits or wobbly bits or spare tyres do 'em? 'N awl that flesh on display ain't to everyone's taste, mind. But if thees wants to dare to go bare in Bristol yer's some advice:- 1. If someone stares at thee wiv a look of astonishment don't say to 'em: "thees doggin' I up ?"  It ain't gonna end well, in awl probabilitay. Yoom more vulnerable physically when thees naked. 2. If yoom a bloke an' a policeman arrests thee...

As a Professor of Bristolian I likes to keep me eye on the cawltral impack that Bristolians 'av 'ad on the nation 'n the world as a awl. I done a bit of intrestin' research 'bout the most covered songs writ or co-writ by a Bristolian or Bristolians. It frew up one or two surprises, speshly the number one, but by 'n large iss pretty much wot yoom ud expeck. Gotta confess now, me babbers, none of these songs is in Bristolian. Theym awl in English. Anyway yer's the list of the top 6 most covered songs writ by Bristolians: (sourced from the website SecondhandSongs ) Number 1  You've Got Your Troubles (Roger Cook/Roger Greenaway)          56 covers Number 2   I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing (Roger Cook & Roger Greenaway (with Bill Backer and Billy Davis))                           ...

Bleed nell! We gotta buck arr ideawls up wiv regard to football annus? Juss look at these statistics me babbers! Bristol's the only city outa the 10 biggest ten cities in England wot 'av never won a major bleedin' domestic trophy! Football Honours - 10 Largest Cities in England  London (population 8,825,000)          Arsenal - League Champions (13) FA Cup (13)  League Cup (2)                                             Chelsea - League Champions (6) FA Cup (8) League Cup (5) Crystal Palace - Zero major trophies                        Fulham - Zero major trophies Tottenham H. - League Champions (2) FA Cup (8) Lea...

I thought it would be of interest to all my readers if I were to publish the results of my research with regard to Tricky's and Josie Gibson's use of the Bristolian language, two of the finest and best known exponents of our linguistic heritage. This I did by noting the extent to which they used Bristolian words published in A Dictionary Of Bristle in interviews that have been put out on Youtube relatively recently. First Tricky:- If you listen carefully you will hear dill (deal), wiv (with), amt (have not), ow (how), ooze (who is), thur (there), dint (did not), fink (think), iss (it is), ave (have), member (to remember), munce - plural of munf (month), anudder (another) and peepaw (people). There may be some others that I have missed but I think 14 words of pure Bristolian gold is a pretty impressive return from five minutes and fifty-seconds of an interview. Now Josie Gibson:- Again, if you listen carefully you will hear iss (it is), bout (about), fr...

I noticed that some peepaw 'oo visits me Professor of Bristolian facebook page finks they might need a phrase book or go to night classes so that they cass unnerstand the natives, mind, when they come to Bristol, speshully those woss movin' yer shortly. So to put thy minds at rest, like, yer's a guide of 'ow Bristolian the accents is of some famous Bristolians. (Famous Bristolians wot don't 'av a accent ain't included). 1. Barely detectable bu' juss 'bout noticeable Bristol accent - Richard Scudamore, CEO of the Premier League.   2. Very noticeable bu' not gert broad Bristol accents - Stephen Merchant (comedy writer and actor) and Gary Mabbutt (ex-Bristol Rovers, Tottenham Hotspur and England footballer).   3. Bit broader Bristol accents - Ian Holloway (ex-footballer, football manager and pundit) and Gareth Chilcott (ex-Bath and England rugby player).   4. Gert bleedin broad Bristol accents - Josie Gibson (telev...