Guide To Goin' Naked In Bristol

To tell thee the truth it ain't a good ideawl to go naked in Bristol too often, unless iss part of a event like that Bristol Naked Bike Ride wot they dooze to 'ighlight 'ow vulnerable they cyclists is. Well, thass fair enuff innit, mind. Or if thees wants a dine naked in Bristol, iss possible. Whatever floats thy boat, innit, mind. But if yoom finkin' of goin' naked juss for the crack, well, it ain't gonna get thee many friends in awl probabilitay. I mean, not everyone wants a see awl they dangly bits or wobbly bits or spare tyres do 'em? 'N awl that flesh on display ain't to everyone's taste, mind. But if thees wants to dare to go bare in Bristol yer's some advice:-
1. If someone stares at thee wiv a look of astonishment don't say to 'em: "thees doggin' I up?"  It ain't gonna end well, in awl probabilitay. Yoom more vulnerable physically when thees naked.
2. If yoom a bloke an' a policeman arrests thee for indecent exposure don't say to 'e, "iss a fair cock, guv!" eeze gonna fink yoom takin' the mick. "Iss a fair cop!" ud be more appropriate.
3. If yoom a young woman an' yoom well fit iss bess to avoid eye contact wiv they adolescent boys woss bout 14 or 15 years old. Theym got 'ormones woss runnin' wild, mind. In fact, if thees a young woman an' thees well fit iss bess if thees finks twice, three times or even five 'undred times before goin' out wivout no clothes on.
4. If iss in the middle of winter 'n iss gert cawd, mind, iss bess if thees gets a appointment wiv one of they psychiawltrists cuz iss clear that thur's summat wrong wiv thee an' thees completely shot away if thees wants to go out in the buff at that time o' year.
5. If thees one o' they wot likes to sunbathe in the nuddy in the privacy of thy back garden make sure that thy neighbours cassen't see thee, or if they cass see thee, make sure that thees trusts 'em. Thees don't want none o' they embarrassin' photawls on sociawl mediawl, mind, dost thee?
6. If iss a bleedin' 'ot day an' thees on the 76 bus goin' 'ome, iss not a good ideawl to take awl thy clothes off juss to cool off. The other passengers ain't gonna be too impressed, mind.
7. If yoom one o' they peepaw wot likes goin' naked in public 'n likes shoppin' up the Maul out Cribbs, or in Carboot Circus down town, don't be suprised if thees don't get served in any o' they shops or cafés, speshly if thur's lit luns 'bout!
8. If thees arranges to meet a friend for a night out, an' thees knocks on 'is or 'er door, completely starkers, don't say to 'e or she: "does my naked body embarrass thee?" when they answers the door. Course it bloody do!
9. If thees plays football 'n the awl team showers together in the nuddy after the game, well, thass fair enuff. In fact, iss pretty normal.
10. If yoom at 'ome 'n thees want to go bare cuz iss gert 'ot, well, thass fair enuff. My only advice then 'ud be not to stand in the window an' wave out at awl they passers by.

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