Unfinished Screenplay - Bristolians Save The Queen, Mind!
Bristolians Save The Queen, Mind!
1. INT. MEETING ROOM AT BRISTOL UNIVERSITY. DAY
Bristol University academics are holding a meeting and discussing the progress of their students.
PROFESSOR SMITH (Chair): So Geoff, to the Department of Bristolian. How are you finding the new intake of students?
PROFESSOR GEOFFREY MOUNTSTEVENS: Interesting. The students from the home counties are difficult. Many of them think they know it all already and of course they don't. Their attempts at pronunciation of the Bristolian language are often a strange mixture of Somerset, East Anglia and Hampshire. On the other other hand, the overseas students, especially the Chinese and Italians, are very enthusiastic and eager to learn. Yes, they too have difficulty with the Bristolian pronunciation but that's only to be expected considering how different their respective languages are from Bristolian.
2. EXT. BROWNS RESTAURANT QUEENS ROAD. DAY
PROFESSOR G M walks towards the restaurant from the direction of Bristol University's Wills Memorial Building very nearby. He then walks up the steps to restaurant entrance.
3. INT. BAR/CAFE PART OF BROWNS RESTAURANT. DAY
TERRY CROUCH (odd job man) is measuring up the counter for a job he's been commissioned to do.
PROFESSOR G M: Awl rite Terr? Such a relief to ge' out o' that university for a bit 'n tawk normal! 'Ow's it goin' me awd babber? Come 'n av a coffee wiv I.
TERRY: Cheers Prof. I needs a break.
PROFESSOR G M: Iss such a relief to ge' out o' that uni for a few minutes 'n speak gert proper wiv some o' me mates, like. I mean they colleagues o' mine say to I. "Geoff, please speak in English because if you speak in Bristolian we won't understand." Bleed nell! Iss the University of Bristol innit?!
TERRY: Thees 'ud fink they'd learn to speak gert proper Bristolian, livin' 'n workin' in Bristol udden't thee?
PROFESSOR G M: Abso-bloody-lutely!
The Professor's 16-year-old son CLIVE enters Browns in his Bristol Grammar School uniform.
PROFESSOR G M: Awl rite arr kid? Ow's it angin'?
CLIVE: Hello dad. I've just finished school. A cup of coffee would be absolutely super.
PROFESSOR G M: Yer, woss speakin' like that for? Wot they bin teachin' thee at that Bristol Grammar Scaw?
CLIVE: We've had a double period of English this morning, dad.
PROFESSOR GM: Well, I don't want thee speakin' like that. Iss embarrassin'! Wot if someone 'oo knows us yers thee? When thees out wiv I thees gotta speak gert proper Bristolian, awl rite?
CLIVE: Sorry dad, I 'on't do it no more, me babs.
PROFESSOR G M: Thass be(tt)er!
TERRY: Good lad! I can see that thees listens to thy awd man, mind! So woss up to these days then arr Clive?
CLIVE: Nuffink much. Iss juss that, well, life iss gert mint innit.
TOMMERS the Bristolian cat walks in, going straight up to the bar to order.
TOMMERS: Saucer o' milk me awd mucker, 'n iss gotta be the cream annit. I gets diarrheawl if I drinks ordinary milk, mind!
TOMMERS looks around
TOMMERS: Awl right Terr? Awl right Prof? Awl rite Clive? (Does the equivalent of thumbs up with his paws) Magic!
TOMMERS is served his saucer of milk and then sits at the same table as the others while TERRY recommences his work.
TERRY: Ad a good day then Tommers?
TOMMERS: Iss bin different arr Terr. 'Fore I come into town, like, I wuz doin' some shoppin' down that Crow Lane in Embray when this awd lady started strokin' I!
TERRY: Oh ah? That ain't right. Wot she say, like?
TOMMERS: She said, "I'm smoovin' the cat."
CLIVE: Bit of a liberty, that.
PROFESSOR G M: These awd ladies! Bleed nell!
TOMMERS: I knows! I goes to she: "Thees cassen't do that! Gert ijut" Then a bit la(t)er I wuz walkin' up that Dragonswell Road 'n anudder awd lady started callin' out to I!
TERRY: That ain't right? Wot she say Tommers?
TOMMERS: She goes. "Yer puss puss puss puss! Yer puss puss puss puss!" So I goes, "Thur stupid stupid 'uman! Thur stupid stupid 'uman!"
Everyone laughs heartily and then ANDY the handsome dog from Horfield walks in.
ANDY: We are goin' up! We are goin' up!
CLIVE: No!!! Iss the gas'ead dog from Ore Field 'oo reckons eeze gert 'andsome!
4. EXT. ARNALL DRIVE PLAYING FIELDS, HENBURY. DAY
TOMMERS is kicking a football about with TERRY. He dribbles past him easily and pretends to have scored a goal. TOMMERS celebrates wildly.
TOMMERS: Is I, Tommers, the feline Messi!
A PASSER-BY walks across the grass and passes very close to TOMMERS and TERRY
PASSER-BY: Yoom cawd Messi cuz yoom likes to poo in peepaw's gardens?
TOMMERS: Shut thy face, mate. If I wants to be the victim of thy incredibawl wit I'll send thee a special request! Awl rite me awd babs?
The PASSER-BY grins and walks on.
TERRY: Thees got a match Saturday then Tommers?
TOMMERS: We Embray Awd Cats is playin' Widdywood Dogs. Theym 'ard them Widdywood Dogs. They bites.
TERRY: Oh ah?
TOMMERS: Yeah. That's cuz Louis Suarez flies in from Barcelona 'n dooze thur trainin' every week.
TERRY: Cor blige. That ain't never right?
TOMMERS: Yeah. 'E trains 'em in football 'n in bitin'.
TERRY: Bleed nell! Bet theym 'ard as nells!
5. INT. BRISTOL UNIVERSITY LECTURE HALL. DAY
PROFESSOR G M: (In posh voice). I'd like to speak a little bit about potential Bristolian misunderstandings because there are words that have a slightly different pronunciation in English yet have the same pronunciation when you speak Bristolian. For example, the words well, wall, while and wool are all rendered in Bristolian as 'wawl'. However, it's important to remember that the second 'w' in 'wawl' is pronounced so lightly that it's hardly audible. English words such as 'saw' or 'law' are a pefect rhyme for it. Anyway, with 'wawl' you can have a sentence such as the following: (In Bristolian) "Wawl, I wuz watchin' a programme on the telly bout the Great Wawl of Chinawl wawl arr nan 'ad 'er wawl out 'n wuz knittin' a new pullover." (Reverting to posh voice) Of course, this can create problems for the untrained ear of the fresher student who wishes to specialise in Bristolian studies.
6. INT. CORONATION TAP PUB, CLIFTON. NIGHT
Terry's dad BRIAN is there with Tommers' feline girlfriend PRETTY KITTY.
BRIAN: Zider I up landlord!
PRETTY KITTY: Awl rite Bri? Woss doin' over the posh side of town?
BRIAN: Iss Pretty Kitty! Awl rite me luvlay? The zider's gert good yer, mind. Thass why I'm yer. Wur's thy Tommers to?
PRETTY KITTY: Dunno. Eeze always bleedin' late. I prefers goin' town 'n dancin' to a bit of saw music but arr Tommers do like 'is zider. So weem meetin' in yer.
There is a Hooray-Henry POSH GIT type in the background, not far from BRIAN and PRETTY KITTY, who is speaking so loudly that they can hear him easily.
POSH GIT: The way these Bristolians speak! (Laughs with friends) Haw haw haw! They say "yer" instead of ear or here or year or even your! Haw haw haw!
BRIAN taps the POSH GIT on the shoulder
BRIAN: Yer mate, yer a gert ijut! Thees givin' I a yerache 'n for yer information the yer is 2019! (Shouts) Awl rite!
PRETTY KITTY: Well done Bri, thees gotta tell 'em assen't?!
BRIAN: Too right. Woss keepin' thy Tommers then?
PRETTY KITTY: Dunno! Ee've got so many strings to 'is bow annee! If 'e ain't playin' football for Embray Awd Cats eeze re'earsin' wiv 'is band Massive Wurzel Attack. 'N 'ee've become a radicawl p'liticawl cat 'n awl. Ee've bin made leader of the Cat Party 'n theym doin' a march on Downin' Street soon to protest 'gainst Catsterity.
TOMMERS walks into the pub dressed as Frankencat.
TOMMERS: Zider I up landlord.
PRETTY KITTY: Awl rite darlin'?
TOMMERS and PRETTY KITTY kiss
PRETTY KITTY: Woss dressed up like Frankentom the monster cat for?
TOMMERS: Iss 'Alloween soon innit me babbers. Juss for the crack I wanted a scare a few peepaw.
BRIAN: Any success?
TOMMERS: Not really. I goes in that B&Q store earlier dunneye 'n I says "Ize Frankentom the monster cat 'n I wants some new bolts for me neck, like.
PRETTY KITTY: Wot 'appened?
TOMMERS: They awl laffed at I!
BRIAN: So woss do after that then arr Tommers?
TOMMERS: I goes to 'em "any'un 'ud fink I wuz a nut or summat!" 'N they awl laffs at I again mind!
PRETTY KITTY: Bleed nell!
TOMMERS: So I goes: "Screw you lot. Ize off!"
7. INT/EXT. PROFESSOR GM'S CAR. DAY
PROFESSOR G M: (Speaking to camera) Got a very special student today me babbers. Yeah, iss the Queen. She gotta new palace. She've moved up the Mead, thass Soufmead to non-Bristolians, 'n she needs to learn Bristolian so's she can communica(t)e wiv 'er subjecks up the Pegasus pub wur she likes to get zidered up. Anyway, weem goin' to 'er palace now.
8. EXT. OUTSIDE TYPICAL RED BRICK FORMER COUNCIL HOUSE IN SOUTHMEAD. DAY
PROFESSOR G M stops the car and gets out and walks towards the house. He notices a lot of litter in the garden as he walks up the garden path - old chip wrappers, empty cider cans and the like.
PROFESSOR G M: (As he rings the bell) Bleed nell! 'Er majesty's garden needs a bit of work dunnit?!
The QUEEN opens the door.
QUEEN: Oh welcome Professor Mountstevens. Do come in. One has been looking forward so much to these lessons.
9. INT. QUEEN'S PALACE. DAY
Or rather, a very ordinary looking hallway where TERRY is measuring up the stairs for some work he's doing.
PROFESSOR G M: (Posh voice) Oh? You've got Terry the odd job man to do some work for you. He teaches Bristolian too. You could have asked him for lessons.
QUEEN: But he is a mere odd job man. I don't really think one would be able to learn anything from a member of the underclass.
PROFESSOR G M: Thees cassen't speak bout the peepaw round yer like that yer majesty. Thees'll get a slap on thy kisser!
QUEEN: I beg your pardon?
PROFESSOR G M: I am so sorry your majesty I unconsciously slipped into speaking Bristolian. What I was saying means that someone is liable to physically slap you on the cheek if you speak condescendingly about the people who live in this district.
QUEEN: Oh dear! One wouldn't want that!
10. INT. QUEEN'S LIVING-ROOM. DAY
The QUEEN is sitting on a very spectacular looking throne while the rest of the living-room looks very ordinary.
PROFESSOR G M: So while in English you might say: "Just listen to the nonsense that he's speaking!" in Bristolian you would say: "Ark at ee!" Try that.
QUEEN: (In posh voice) Hark at he!
PROFESSOR G M: No. The 'H' sound does not exist at the start of any word in Bristolian and the 'R' sound needs to be much stronger, as in 'Arrk!'. Then there's the glottal stop sound for the 'T' in the word 'at'. So you've got: "Ark a(t) ee!" Try it again.
QUEEN: (Much more Bristolian) Ark at ee!
PROFESSOR G M: Very good! Then there's the phrase: "He can't say that!" That would be rendered as: "Ee cassen't say that!"
QUEEN: Ee cassen't say that!
PROFESSOR G M: Very good! You're a very quick learner your majesty. Now the whole phrase together: "Ark at ee. Ee cassen't say that!"
QUEEN: "Ark at ee. Ee cassen't say that!" (A pause) "Ark at ee. Ee cassen't say that!" (A shorter pause) "Ark at ee. Ee cassen't say that!"
PROFESSOR G M: You've got it your majesty!
QUEEN: Ize gert good inneye?!
PROFESSOR G M: Heavens above your majesty. You seem to have developed an intuitive grasp of the Bristolian language very quickly indeed. How would you say that Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex is very pretty?
QUEEN: Arr Meghan's gert lush.
PROFESSOR G M: Incredible!
QUEEN: (Excited at her progress) Arr Meghan's gert lush! Arr Meghan's gert lush!
TERRY who, unbeknown to PROFESSOR G M has been doing some handiwork at the Southmead palace, walks in holding a huge greasy looking burger.
TERRY: Got thee a gert macky burger cuz I fawt thees might be a bit peckish thy majesty.
QUEEN: Aww! Fanks arr Terr!
11. INT. BAR OF THE OLD CROW PUB IN HENBURY. NIGHT
There is a newspaper on the bar counter with the headline 'Queen Taking Lessons In The Bristolian Language' showing. TOMMERS is at the bar with a pint of cider when the Welsh singer TOM JONES walks over from another part of the pub and starts to sing.
TOM JONES: (Singing) Pussycat pussycat I love you/Yes I do/You and your little pussycat eyes.
TOMMERS: Sorry mate, thees ain't my type
TOM JONES: (Continuing to sing, almost tearfully) What's new pussycat whoa/What's new pussycat whoa oh?
TOM JONES becomes unsteady on his feet and then collapses on the floor.
TOMMERS: Bleed nell! 'E ain't well! Be(tt)er cawl the emergency services anneye!
TOMMERS takes his smartphone from off the counter and tries to call the emergency services
TOMMERS: Awl rite me babs? I needs a ambulance. Tom Jones the singer 'av passed out in the bar of the Awd Crow pub out Embray.
Laughter can be heard at the other end of the phone.
TOMMERS: Thees cass stop laffin' at I! This is gert serious! (Pause) Ize Tommers the Bristolian tomcat 'oo lives out Embray in Feline Grove near Monsdale.
More laughter
TOMMERS: Thees laffin' at I again! Poor bloke cud be dead by the time a ambulance arrives! 'Ello? They bin 'n 'ung up on I annum?! Bleed nell! Spose I'd be(tt)er get ar Terr to give arr Tom yer a lift up the 'ospi(t)awl, like, anneye?!
12. EXT/INT. TERRY'S VAN. NIGHT
TERRY is driving his van along Pen Park Road towards Southmead Hospital with TOMMERS in the passenger seat and TOM JONES unconscious in the back.
TERRY: Ain't right is it arr Tommers. Thees tells 'em iss a emergency 'n they laffs at thee!
13. EXT. SOUTHMEAD HOSPITAL. NIGHT
TERRY'S van stops outside the A&E department and he and TOMMERS carry TOM JONES inside.
14. INT. A&E RECEPTION. NIGHT
TOMMERS: Iss the singer Tom Jones. 'E ain't well. 'E needs 'elp!"
RECEPTIONIST: A talking cat? (Laughs) This is ridiculous.
TOMMERS: Yer missus receptionist, in Ancient Egypt we cats wuz worshipped as gods! 'N we used to speak Bristolian 'n awl! If the pharoah give us any lip we used to say: "Yer mate, thees cassen't speak to I like that! Ize a gert God, like!" Now thees gonna 'elp arr Tom or wot?
TERRY: 'E don't look well do 'e!
RECEPTIONIST: No he doesn't. You're right.
© Geoff Davis
(to be continued and hopefully finished)
1. INT. MEETING ROOM AT BRISTOL UNIVERSITY. DAY
Bristol University academics are holding a meeting and discussing the progress of their students.
PROFESSOR SMITH (Chair): So Geoff, to the Department of Bristolian. How are you finding the new intake of students?
PROFESSOR GEOFFREY MOUNTSTEVENS: Interesting. The students from the home counties are difficult. Many of them think they know it all already and of course they don't. Their attempts at pronunciation of the Bristolian language are often a strange mixture of Somerset, East Anglia and Hampshire. On the other other hand, the overseas students, especially the Chinese and Italians, are very enthusiastic and eager to learn. Yes, they too have difficulty with the Bristolian pronunciation but that's only to be expected considering how different their respective languages are from Bristolian.
2. EXT. BROWNS RESTAURANT QUEENS ROAD. DAY
PROFESSOR G M walks towards the restaurant from the direction of Bristol University's Wills Memorial Building very nearby. He then walks up the steps to restaurant entrance.
3. INT. BAR/CAFE PART OF BROWNS RESTAURANT. DAY
TERRY CROUCH (odd job man) is measuring up the counter for a job he's been commissioned to do.
PROFESSOR G M: Awl rite Terr? Such a relief to ge' out o' that university for a bit 'n tawk normal! 'Ow's it goin' me awd babber? Come 'n av a coffee wiv I.
TERRY: Cheers Prof. I needs a break.
PROFESSOR G M: Iss such a relief to ge' out o' that uni for a few minutes 'n speak gert proper wiv some o' me mates, like. I mean they colleagues o' mine say to I. "Geoff, please speak in English because if you speak in Bristolian we won't understand." Bleed nell! Iss the University of Bristol innit?!
TERRY: Thees 'ud fink they'd learn to speak gert proper Bristolian, livin' 'n workin' in Bristol udden't thee?
PROFESSOR G M: Abso-bloody-lutely!
The Professor's 16-year-old son CLIVE enters Browns in his Bristol Grammar School uniform.
PROFESSOR G M: Awl rite arr kid? Ow's it angin'?
CLIVE: Hello dad. I've just finished school. A cup of coffee would be absolutely super.
PROFESSOR G M: Yer, woss speakin' like that for? Wot they bin teachin' thee at that Bristol Grammar Scaw?
CLIVE: We've had a double period of English this morning, dad.
PROFESSOR GM: Well, I don't want thee speakin' like that. Iss embarrassin'! Wot if someone 'oo knows us yers thee? When thees out wiv I thees gotta speak gert proper Bristolian, awl rite?
CLIVE: Sorry dad, I 'on't do it no more, me babs.
PROFESSOR G M: Thass be(tt)er!
TERRY: Good lad! I can see that thees listens to thy awd man, mind! So woss up to these days then arr Clive?
CLIVE: Nuffink much. Iss juss that, well, life iss gert mint innit.
TOMMERS the Bristolian cat walks in, going straight up to the bar to order.
TOMMERS: Saucer o' milk me awd mucker, 'n iss gotta be the cream annit. I gets diarrheawl if I drinks ordinary milk, mind!
TOMMERS looks around
TOMMERS: Awl right Terr? Awl right Prof? Awl rite Clive? (Does the equivalent of thumbs up with his paws) Magic!
TOMMERS is served his saucer of milk and then sits at the same table as the others while TERRY recommences his work.
TERRY: Ad a good day then Tommers?
TOMMERS: Iss bin different arr Terr. 'Fore I come into town, like, I wuz doin' some shoppin' down that Crow Lane in Embray when this awd lady started strokin' I!
TERRY: Oh ah? That ain't right. Wot she say, like?
TOMMERS: She said, "I'm smoovin' the cat."
CLIVE: Bit of a liberty, that.
PROFESSOR G M: These awd ladies! Bleed nell!
TOMMERS: I knows! I goes to she: "Thees cassen't do that! Gert ijut" Then a bit la(t)er I wuz walkin' up that Dragonswell Road 'n anudder awd lady started callin' out to I!
TERRY: That ain't right? Wot she say Tommers?
TOMMERS: She goes. "Yer puss puss puss puss! Yer puss puss puss puss!" So I goes, "Thur stupid stupid 'uman! Thur stupid stupid 'uman!"
Everyone laughs heartily and then ANDY the handsome dog from Horfield walks in.
ANDY: We are goin' up! We are goin' up!
CLIVE: No!!! Iss the gas'ead dog from Ore Field 'oo reckons eeze gert 'andsome!
4. EXT. ARNALL DRIVE PLAYING FIELDS, HENBURY. DAY
TOMMERS is kicking a football about with TERRY. He dribbles past him easily and pretends to have scored a goal. TOMMERS celebrates wildly.
TOMMERS: Is I, Tommers, the feline Messi!
A PASSER-BY walks across the grass and passes very close to TOMMERS and TERRY
PASSER-BY: Yoom cawd Messi cuz yoom likes to poo in peepaw's gardens?
TOMMERS: Shut thy face, mate. If I wants to be the victim of thy incredibawl wit I'll send thee a special request! Awl rite me awd babs?
The PASSER-BY grins and walks on.
TERRY: Thees got a match Saturday then Tommers?
TOMMERS: We Embray Awd Cats is playin' Widdywood Dogs. Theym 'ard them Widdywood Dogs. They bites.
TERRY: Oh ah?
TOMMERS: Yeah. That's cuz Louis Suarez flies in from Barcelona 'n dooze thur trainin' every week.
TERRY: Cor blige. That ain't never right?
TOMMERS: Yeah. 'E trains 'em in football 'n in bitin'.
TERRY: Bleed nell! Bet theym 'ard as nells!
5. INT. BRISTOL UNIVERSITY LECTURE HALL. DAY
PROFESSOR G M: (In posh voice). I'd like to speak a little bit about potential Bristolian misunderstandings because there are words that have a slightly different pronunciation in English yet have the same pronunciation when you speak Bristolian. For example, the words well, wall, while and wool are all rendered in Bristolian as 'wawl'. However, it's important to remember that the second 'w' in 'wawl' is pronounced so lightly that it's hardly audible. English words such as 'saw' or 'law' are a pefect rhyme for it. Anyway, with 'wawl' you can have a sentence such as the following: (In Bristolian) "Wawl, I wuz watchin' a programme on the telly bout the Great Wawl of Chinawl wawl arr nan 'ad 'er wawl out 'n wuz knittin' a new pullover." (Reverting to posh voice) Of course, this can create problems for the untrained ear of the fresher student who wishes to specialise in Bristolian studies.
6. INT. CORONATION TAP PUB, CLIFTON. NIGHT
Terry's dad BRIAN is there with Tommers' feline girlfriend PRETTY KITTY.
BRIAN: Zider I up landlord!
PRETTY KITTY: Awl rite Bri? Woss doin' over the posh side of town?
BRIAN: Iss Pretty Kitty! Awl rite me luvlay? The zider's gert good yer, mind. Thass why I'm yer. Wur's thy Tommers to?
PRETTY KITTY: Dunno. Eeze always bleedin' late. I prefers goin' town 'n dancin' to a bit of saw music but arr Tommers do like 'is zider. So weem meetin' in yer.
There is a Hooray-Henry POSH GIT type in the background, not far from BRIAN and PRETTY KITTY, who is speaking so loudly that they can hear him easily.
POSH GIT: The way these Bristolians speak! (Laughs with friends) Haw haw haw! They say "yer" instead of ear or here or year or even your! Haw haw haw!
BRIAN taps the POSH GIT on the shoulder
BRIAN: Yer mate, yer a gert ijut! Thees givin' I a yerache 'n for yer information the yer is 2019! (Shouts) Awl rite!
PRETTY KITTY: Well done Bri, thees gotta tell 'em assen't?!
BRIAN: Too right. Woss keepin' thy Tommers then?
PRETTY KITTY: Dunno! Ee've got so many strings to 'is bow annee! If 'e ain't playin' football for Embray Awd Cats eeze re'earsin' wiv 'is band Massive Wurzel Attack. 'N 'ee've become a radicawl p'liticawl cat 'n awl. Ee've bin made leader of the Cat Party 'n theym doin' a march on Downin' Street soon to protest 'gainst Catsterity.
TOMMERS walks into the pub dressed as Frankencat.
TOMMERS: Zider I up landlord.
PRETTY KITTY: Awl rite darlin'?
TOMMERS and PRETTY KITTY kiss
PRETTY KITTY: Woss dressed up like Frankentom the monster cat for?
TOMMERS: Iss 'Alloween soon innit me babbers. Juss for the crack I wanted a scare a few peepaw.
BRIAN: Any success?
TOMMERS: Not really. I goes in that B&Q store earlier dunneye 'n I says "Ize Frankentom the monster cat 'n I wants some new bolts for me neck, like.
PRETTY KITTY: Wot 'appened?
TOMMERS: They awl laffed at I!
BRIAN: So woss do after that then arr Tommers?
TOMMERS: I goes to 'em "any'un 'ud fink I wuz a nut or summat!" 'N they awl laffs at I again mind!
PRETTY KITTY: Bleed nell!
TOMMERS: So I goes: "Screw you lot. Ize off!"
7. INT/EXT. PROFESSOR GM'S CAR. DAY
PROFESSOR G M: (Speaking to camera) Got a very special student today me babbers. Yeah, iss the Queen. She gotta new palace. She've moved up the Mead, thass Soufmead to non-Bristolians, 'n she needs to learn Bristolian so's she can communica(t)e wiv 'er subjecks up the Pegasus pub wur she likes to get zidered up. Anyway, weem goin' to 'er palace now.
8. EXT. OUTSIDE TYPICAL RED BRICK FORMER COUNCIL HOUSE IN SOUTHMEAD. DAY
PROFESSOR G M stops the car and gets out and walks towards the house. He notices a lot of litter in the garden as he walks up the garden path - old chip wrappers, empty cider cans and the like.
PROFESSOR G M: (As he rings the bell) Bleed nell! 'Er majesty's garden needs a bit of work dunnit?!
The QUEEN opens the door.
QUEEN: Oh welcome Professor Mountstevens. Do come in. One has been looking forward so much to these lessons.
9. INT. QUEEN'S PALACE. DAY
Or rather, a very ordinary looking hallway where TERRY is measuring up the stairs for some work he's doing.
PROFESSOR G M: (Posh voice) Oh? You've got Terry the odd job man to do some work for you. He teaches Bristolian too. You could have asked him for lessons.
QUEEN: But he is a mere odd job man. I don't really think one would be able to learn anything from a member of the underclass.
PROFESSOR G M: Thees cassen't speak bout the peepaw round yer like that yer majesty. Thees'll get a slap on thy kisser!
QUEEN: I beg your pardon?
PROFESSOR G M: I am so sorry your majesty I unconsciously slipped into speaking Bristolian. What I was saying means that someone is liable to physically slap you on the cheek if you speak condescendingly about the people who live in this district.
QUEEN: Oh dear! One wouldn't want that!
10. INT. QUEEN'S LIVING-ROOM. DAY
The QUEEN is sitting on a very spectacular looking throne while the rest of the living-room looks very ordinary.
PROFESSOR G M: So while in English you might say: "Just listen to the nonsense that he's speaking!" in Bristolian you would say: "Ark at ee!" Try that.
QUEEN: (In posh voice) Hark at he!
PROFESSOR G M: No. The 'H' sound does not exist at the start of any word in Bristolian and the 'R' sound needs to be much stronger, as in 'Arrk!'. Then there's the glottal stop sound for the 'T' in the word 'at'. So you've got: "Ark a(t) ee!" Try it again.
QUEEN: (Much more Bristolian) Ark at ee!
PROFESSOR G M: Very good! Then there's the phrase: "He can't say that!" That would be rendered as: "Ee cassen't say that!"
QUEEN: Ee cassen't say that!
PROFESSOR G M: Very good! You're a very quick learner your majesty. Now the whole phrase together: "Ark at ee. Ee cassen't say that!"
QUEEN: "Ark at ee. Ee cassen't say that!" (A pause) "Ark at ee. Ee cassen't say that!" (A shorter pause) "Ark at ee. Ee cassen't say that!"
PROFESSOR G M: You've got it your majesty!
QUEEN: Ize gert good inneye?!
PROFESSOR G M: Heavens above your majesty. You seem to have developed an intuitive grasp of the Bristolian language very quickly indeed. How would you say that Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex is very pretty?
QUEEN: Arr Meghan's gert lush.
PROFESSOR G M: Incredible!
QUEEN: (Excited at her progress) Arr Meghan's gert lush! Arr Meghan's gert lush!
TERRY who, unbeknown to PROFESSOR G M has been doing some handiwork at the Southmead palace, walks in holding a huge greasy looking burger.
TERRY: Got thee a gert macky burger cuz I fawt thees might be a bit peckish thy majesty.
QUEEN: Aww! Fanks arr Terr!
11. INT. BAR OF THE OLD CROW PUB IN HENBURY. NIGHT
There is a newspaper on the bar counter with the headline 'Queen Taking Lessons In The Bristolian Language' showing. TOMMERS is at the bar with a pint of cider when the Welsh singer TOM JONES walks over from another part of the pub and starts to sing.
TOM JONES: (Singing) Pussycat pussycat I love you/Yes I do/You and your little pussycat eyes.
TOMMERS: Sorry mate, thees ain't my type
TOM JONES: (Continuing to sing, almost tearfully) What's new pussycat whoa/What's new pussycat whoa oh?
TOM JONES becomes unsteady on his feet and then collapses on the floor.
TOMMERS: Bleed nell! 'E ain't well! Be(tt)er cawl the emergency services anneye!
TOMMERS takes his smartphone from off the counter and tries to call the emergency services
TOMMERS: Awl rite me babs? I needs a ambulance. Tom Jones the singer 'av passed out in the bar of the Awd Crow pub out Embray.
Laughter can be heard at the other end of the phone.
TOMMERS: Thees cass stop laffin' at I! This is gert serious! (Pause) Ize Tommers the Bristolian tomcat 'oo lives out Embray in Feline Grove near Monsdale.
More laughter
TOMMERS: Thees laffin' at I again! Poor bloke cud be dead by the time a ambulance arrives! 'Ello? They bin 'n 'ung up on I annum?! Bleed nell! Spose I'd be(tt)er get ar Terr to give arr Tom yer a lift up the 'ospi(t)awl, like, anneye?!
12. EXT/INT. TERRY'S VAN. NIGHT
TERRY is driving his van along Pen Park Road towards Southmead Hospital with TOMMERS in the passenger seat and TOM JONES unconscious in the back.
TERRY: Ain't right is it arr Tommers. Thees tells 'em iss a emergency 'n they laffs at thee!
13. EXT. SOUTHMEAD HOSPITAL. NIGHT
TERRY'S van stops outside the A&E department and he and TOMMERS carry TOM JONES inside.
14. INT. A&E RECEPTION. NIGHT
TOMMERS: Iss the singer Tom Jones. 'E ain't well. 'E needs 'elp!"
RECEPTIONIST: A talking cat? (Laughs) This is ridiculous.
TOMMERS: Yer missus receptionist, in Ancient Egypt we cats wuz worshipped as gods! 'N we used to speak Bristolian 'n awl! If the pharoah give us any lip we used to say: "Yer mate, thees cassen't speak to I like that! Ize a gert God, like!" Now thees gonna 'elp arr Tom or wot?
TERRY: 'E don't look well do 'e!
RECEPTIONIST: No he doesn't. You're right.
© Geoff Davis
(to be continued and hopefully finished)
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