Professor Of Bristolian Interviews Arrogant Twat

In Bristol a lot of outsiders, europeans and immigrants from elsewhere, have come to the city and integrated very well and are well-liked in their communities. Unfortunately, among the outsiders, and these are often people who have been settled in Bristol for some time, there exists a sub-species which I shall refer to as the arrogant twat. They are very condescending towards local people, convinced that it's the Bristolians who hold the city back and they think that all the creative, artistic and intellectual life of the city would not exist were it not for the likes of themselves. It was the psychotherapist Alfred Adler who coined the term 'superiority complex' and it appears to be a condition that many of these poor souls suffer from. Thankfully, there are relatively few of this type in the city but the Professor of Bristolian, being rather curious about such creatures, welcomed an opportunity to interview one of them. To protect his identity, and to avoid explosive and potentially dangerous reactions, he is simply referred to as Arrogant Twat.

 

Professor: Arrogant Twat! Gert brill! Thees 'av condescended to tawk to I!
Arrogant Twat: Oh for heaven sake! Does someone of my immeasurably superior intellect have to tolerate the incoherent mumblings of an uncultured moron like yourself?
Professor: I juss wants a 'av a friendly tawk, like, me babber.
Arrogant Twat: Well, perhaps you'd like to speak in English, the language that I have complete mastery of, as you would know if you'd read some of the wonderful books and articles that I've written. I have a degree don't you know?
Professor: I got a degree an' awl, in Bristolian, from King's College, Cambridge.
Arrogant Twat: Don't make me laugh! I can't take you seriously! You sound like you're standing in a field in the Middle Ages!
Professor: Well I ain't. Ize sittin' yer, chattin' to thee.
Arrogant Twat: I really doubt if you're capable of intelligent discourse with someone who is an expert in the fields of global geopolitics, world football and local music.
Professor: Well, ize read a few fings wot thees av writ bout awl that stuff, an' that, an' it seems to I that thees lives in a binary world, like, wur yoom always right an' anyone wot got the audacity to disagree wiv thee is always wrong.
Arrogant Twat: What on earth are you talking about you stupid man! I suppose you had to look a couple of those words up in a dictionary before speaking to me.
Professor: No. Ize gert educated inneye.
Arrogant Twat: Educated also means being well-informed. I'm as well informed as anybody you could possibly meet and I know what I'm talking about! That is why anyone who disagrees with me is an idiot. Now please don't tell me that was your opinion. Anyone as stupid as you doesn't have a right to an opinion. Only people who agree with me do.
Professor: Weren't juss me opinion, Arrogant Twat, wuz objective an' imparshawl fact!
Arrogant Twat: You are going to make me explode with anger in a moment!
Professor: Yeah, Ize seen wot thees av writ when yoom angry. Bleed nell! Iss like readin' summat writ by the precocious teenage love child of Steve Bannon and Julie Burchill. Although, that ain't really fair on that Julie Burchill cuz she can be quite witty as well as provocative.
Arrogant Twat: How dare you insult me like that!
Professor: Arrogant Twat, I fawt it wuz fair comment. Juss so's I can 'av the pleasure of seein' more 'n steam comin' outa thy ears, a observashun wot I made is that thees ain' very 'ot on nuance neever. 
Arrogant Twat: What? I bet you don't even understand what nuance means! Do I really have to listen to this stream of insults from someone who is little more than subhuman pond life?
Professor: Now yoom tawkin' crap. An' thees finks other peepaw ain't got no right to thur opinions. Bleed nell!
Arrogant Twat: I have no more time that I can waste talking to the likes of you. I have to get back to work on editing my 3,000 page masterpiece on the destructive nature of multiculturalism.
Professor: Well, if it sells more 'n ten copies let I know. Thees needs to climb out from inside thine own assaw an' learn a bi' of  'umili'y, Arrogant Twat.

(On hearing this, Arrogant Twat picks up a chair and threatens the Professor with physical violence.)

Professor: I udden't if I wuz you. Me bess mate's a karate blackbelt.

(Arrogant Twat puts down the chair and storms out. The Professor drinks some more of his beer.)