Professor of Bristolian

Yer, ize 'ad a lot of fun translatin' classic jokes into Bristolian over the lass couple o' years, and theym always gert pop'lar when I puts 'em on me  Professor of Bristolian  Facebook page. Yer's a selection thass guaranteed to make thee awl laff!       Takin' the Doggie Out for a Walk Out Embray     Yer, thur wuz a little girl, like, wot lived in Ellsworth Road out Embray, an' she said to 'er muh, "yer, muh, can I take the dog for a walk, like?"  Er muh replies, "no, cuz sheeze on 'eat?"  "Wot do that mean, muh?" asked the lit lun.  "Ask thy awd man," says 'er muh. "Eeze out in the garage."  So the lit lun goes out to the garage an' says to 'er dad, "yer, dad, can I take Ninawl, arr lil doggie, out for a walk round the block? I asked arr muh but she says Ninawl's on 'eat!" So 'er dad took a rag, soaked it in petraw, an' scrubbed the dog's little arse to

In me most recent video, like, those of thee wot 'ave seen it 'ull remember that thur wuz a character near the end wot spoke viv a posh voice an' ooze take on the Bristol accent wuz "Wurzel at sea is not an attractive sound setting!" So I swore at 'e an' cawd 'e an arrogant twat. To be honest, mind, that phrase wot I quoted (Wurzel at sea etc) ain't original. It was a comment below a article wot I writ bout why the Bristol accent won't die out wot wuz published in Bristol 24/7 a few years ago, like. So I responded dinneye. I tawd 'e that if 'e don't like the Bristol accent why don't 'e put it in plain language, or words to that effect. Bleed nell! E' replied to me reply dinnee, wiv the gert weirdest ideawl bout logic I've ever read, mind! Cop a loada this me babbers:   'I f we follow your logic, there would have been no Shakespeare, no Lawrence, no literature at all. You are effectively saying 'w

                                    Bristolians Save The Queen, Mind! 1. INT. MEETING ROOM AT BRISTOL UNIVERSITY. DAY Bristol University academics are holding a meeting and discussing the progress of their students. PROFESSOR SMITH (Chair): So Geoff, to the Department of Bristolian. How are you finding the new intake of students? PROFESSOR GEOFFREY MOUNTSTEVENS: Interesting. The students from the home counties are difficult. Many of them think they know it all already and of course they don't. Their attempts at pronunciation of the Bristolian language are often a strange mixture of Somerset, East Anglia and Hampshire. On the other other hand, the overseas students, especially the Chinese and Italians, are very enthusiastic and eager to learn. Yes, they too have difficulty with the Bristolian pronunciation but that's only to be expected considering how different their respective languages are from Bristolian. 2. EXT. BROWNS RESTAURANT QUEENS ROAD. DAY PROFESSOR G M

In Bristol a lot of outsiders, europeans and immigrants from elsewhere, have come to the city and integrated very well and are well-liked in their communities. Unfortunately, among the outsiders, and these are often people who have been settled in Bristol for some time, there exists a sub-species which I shall refer to as the arrogant twat. They are very condescending towards local people, convinced that it's the Bristolians who hold the city back and they think that all the creative, artistic and intellectual life of the city would not exist were it not for the likes of themselves. It was the psychotherapist Alfred Adler who coined the term 'superiority complex' and it appears to be a condition that many of these poor souls suffer from. Thankfully, there are relatively few of this type in the city but the Professor of Bristolian, being rather curious about such creatures, welcomed an opportunity to interview one of them. To protect his identity, and to avoid explosive and

To tell thee the truth it ain't a good ideawl to go naked in Bristol too often, unless iss part of a event like that Bristol Naked Bike Ride wot they dooze to 'ighlight 'ow vulnerable they cyclists is. Well, thass fair enuff innit, mind. Or if thees wants a dine naked in Bristol , iss possible. Whatever floats thy boat, innit, mind. But if yoom finkin' of goin' naked juss for the crack , well, it ain't gonna get thee many friends in awl probabilitay. I mean, not everyone wants a see awl they dangly bits or wobbly bits or spare tyres do 'em? 'N awl that flesh on display ain't to everyone's taste, mind. But if thees wants to dare to go bare in Bristol yer's some advice:- 1. If someone stares at thee wiv a look of astonishment don't say to 'em: "thees doggin' I up ?"  It ain't gonna end well, in awl probabilitay. Yoom more vulnerable physically when thees naked. 2. If yoom a bloke an' a policeman arrests thee

As a Professor of Bristolian I likes to keep me eye on the cawltral impack that Bristolians 'av 'ad on the nation 'n the world as a awl. I done a bit of intrestin' research 'bout the most covered songs writ or co-writ by a Bristolian or Bristolians. It frew up one or two surprises, speshly the number one, but by 'n large iss pretty much wot yoom ud expeck. Gotta confess now, me babbers, none of these songs is in Bristolian. Theym awl in English. Anyway yer's the list of the top 6 most covered songs writ by Bristolians: (sourced from the website SecondhandSongs ) Number 1  You've Got Your Troubles (Roger Cook/Roger Greenaway)          56 covers Number 2   I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing (Roger Cook & Roger Greenaway (with Bill Backer and Billy Davis))                                                                                        44 covers Number 3    Everybody's Got To Learn Sometime (James Warren)