The Bristol Accent And The Arrogant Twat

In me most recent video, like, those of thee wot 'ave seen it 'ull remember that thur wuz a character near the end wot spoke viv a posh voice an' ooze take on the Bristol accent wuz "Wurzel at sea is not an attractive sound setting!" So I swore at 'e an' cawd 'e an arrogant twat.

To be honest, mind, that phrase wot I quoted (Wurzel at sea etc) ain't original. It was a comment below a article wot I writ bout why the Bristol accent won't die out wot wuz published in Bristol 24/7 a few years ago, like. So I responded dinneye. I tawd 'e that if 'e don't like the Bristol accent why don't 'e put it in plain language, or words to that effect. Bleed nell! E' replied to me reply dinnee, wiv the gert weirdest ideawl bout logic I've ever read, mind! Cop a loada this me babbers:  

'If we follow your logic, there would have been no Shakespeare, no Lawrence, no literature at all. You are effectively saying 'why are you using all that fancy language'. As for the accent, if you want to sound like you are standing in a field in the Middle Ages, it's up to you. But don't expect me to take you seriously.' (All comments on the piece have since been archived.)

"Wot a patronising tosser!" I fawt. "Eeze so full o' the brown stuff, a millenium's supply o' laxatives ain't gona get rid of it." For some reason, mind, I wuz really triggered by wot 'e writ. Now more 'an 99% of peepaw av bin really supportive since I started the Professor of Bristolian Facebook page, just after appearin' as a Professor of Bristolian in Terry's Bristolian Language Lessons DVD , an' av said wot a gert laff it is an 'ow me take on the Bristol accent is as authentic as any others that they've come across. Ize ad a 'andful of peepaw cawl I 'a stupid old man' or a 'twat' or say that I ain't a real Bristolian and my perception of the Bristolian accent is twaddle (very Bristolian word that innit, 'twaddle'). I even 'ad one kiddie say 'e got really angry when 'e saw anyfink I'd done cuz "thur's peepaw wot really speaks like that!" Weird, I fawt, cuz if anyfink, Bristolians 'as got a self-deprecatin' sense of humour an' is comfortable sendin' 'emselves up. Anyway, none of awl that really bovvered I. The reason I fink I got triggered by wot that aforementioned arrogant an' condescendin' twat writ wuz the fact that non only wuz 'e avin' a go at I but also at a lot o' me Bristolian friends, wot speaks wiv the accent, an' for whom I got a lot of affection.

I ain't gonna name 'e cuz ize since discovered that 'is reactions is so explosive that they'd shame a precocious 14-year-old wot finks 'e knows everyfink. In fact, I'd never 'eard of 'e before 'e writ that comment but I later found out that 'e wuz some kinda Bristol based journalist oo'd writ some music reviews and some stuff bout football. Obviously a world authority on everyfink then, innee?! One day I 'ad a nose at 'is social mediawl posts. Bleed nell! Wish I'd never bothered! Even when I agreed wiv 'e, which wuz almost never, 'is tone o' writin' wuz so aggressive and condescendin' that it wuz gert counterproductive, mind! 'E seemed opinionated to the point o' bein' gert psycherlogically unhinged an' maybe sufferin' from NPD. Oh well, I shud fank 'e really, cuz eeze given I a new character to 'av fun wiv: the arrrogant twat. And the arrogant twat will always succumb to the moral and interleckshawl superiority of the Professor of Bristolian! 

I even writ a poem 'bout 'e so 'e cassen't tell I that if thees follows me logic thur'd be no literature at awl! Yer tis me babbers:
 
Bristolian Dialeck Poem For A Nob

'E finks isself above us lot
'E finks isself awl cawltured, mind.
'E cassen't see 'e've loss the plot
'N awl 'is rantin's dumb 'n blind.

'E finks isself the bard 'e do,
Gert eloquent 'n full o' wit.
The bleeder, 'e don't 'av a clue
'N wot 'e writes is full o' shit.

'E finks isself is always right,
Thees gotta laff or thees 'ud cry.
'E finks isself 'as seen the light,
'E cassen't see iss awl a lie!