Pretentious Writing On Football Translated Into Bristolian

After I finished reading From A Field To Anfield by Nick Tanner with Steve Cotton I read another book on football entitled What We Think About When We Think About Football by philosopher Simon Critchley (it was a Christmas present from my brother). Whilst I did enjoy reading it I do have to say that it has to be one of the most pretentious books on football ever written, so pretentious in fact that it is extremely entertaining. There are loads of passages in it which would be ripe for inclusion in Private Eye's Pseuds Corner. Names like Aristotle, Heidegger, Hegel, Nietsche, Marx and Sartre seem to be namechecked more often than Messi, Ronaldo, Best and Charlton!

Anyway, I thought it would be fun to translate some of these wonderfully weighty and verbose passages into classic Bristolian. I swear that even non-Bristolians would find the Bristolian translations easier to understand than the original English version!

(From Page 71) "The key to football is the complex, configured interaction between sublime music and the beautiful image, Dionysos and Apollo, the fans and the team." 
Translated into Bristolian: "The awl point of football is that thy team plays so gert good, mind, 'that the fans dooze a gert load of singin' 'n chantin' cuz theym gert 'appy innem?!"

(From Page 92) "It is true that the free activity of the individual player is subordinated to the collective action of the team, both integrated into it and transcending it through the organizational structure of the team."
Translated into Bristolian: "Don't matter 'ow gifted a footballer is do it? E've gotta be a team player at the end of the day annee, mind?!"

(From Page 114-116) "It is such atmospherics that Zidane tries to evoke, to draw us into, the evocation of space, a heavenly sphere, the time of breath and vapour."
Translated into Bristolian: "Zidane wuz a world class player wonnee, mind. At 'is bess 'e wuz gert magic 'n it wuz gert mint watchin' 'e play!"

(From Page 138) "To be a fan is to live for a history of moments, to live with and through a history of moments. To be a fan is to create and possess such a history, or, better, to co-create it and to be able to share and recount it with others and to have the possibility of creating new moments. It's the sharing of moments that allows for the possibility of togetherness amongst fans and binds them into a collective, a community, a deeply felt form of association."
Translated into Bristolian: "If yoom a football fan iss gert mint chattin' wiv thy mates bout awl the good fings, 'n they interestin' fings 'n that, wot yoom awl seen at football matches. Speshly over a few gert lush beers down the pub wur yoom awl tawks bout wot thees finks ull 'appen in the nex' game or fur the rest o' the season, mind!"

(From Page 143-146) "What is central to Klopp and makes his tactical style arguably different from the orchestrated precision of the great Barcelona teams, or the defensive cynicism of certain forms of counter attacking play, is a particular emphasis on emotion, on feeling, on passion, on what Heidegger calls Stimmung and Grandstimmung, attunement and fundamental attunement."
Translated into Bristolian: That Liverpawl manager Jurgen Klopp, mind, fur 'e it ain't awl bout they ackrut passin' wot they gert good Barcelona teams 'av bin 'n done, nor bout they wot parks the bus 'n dooze a bit of counter attackin', like. No, 'is teams 'av gotta 'av a bit of passion annem! As for that Heidegger bloke, ooze 'e when eeze at 'ome?"

Inevitable perhaps, but here's the sketch from Monty Python's Flying Circus that Simon Critchley's wonderful book has reminded me of: "Literary Football Discussion".